I have lived in 6 states, 9 cities in the last 15 years. Why you ask? Good Question friend.
Some moves were with purpose. I tried college in LA at first, but ended up in a rotating cycle of dropping out and returning for a number of years. Other moves were not of choice; I was sent away for “help” several times. Sometimes I moved to simply help others, such as spending time when my grandmas were in the hospital. I’ve moved for a job, once. This most recent move, I thought the town sounded nice.
I’ve realized, no matter where I go, the problem lies within me.
There is an insatiable thirst for the new new experiences. This disillusioned thirst has left me hungry, grasping at straws to steady myself. My resume is dabbled with red flags to employers. My dating history even confuses me. The lack of long-term friendships in my life is startling for me to swallow.
What am I searching for with these moves? These constant changes? Or am I avoiding?
I have begun to look inside. Sitting time with uncomfortable feelings, emotions. Trying to forgive others, forgive myself, so I may experience relief and further future freedom. My meditation practice has wavered, but when it’s consistent I am able to think with clarity, live calmly.
I know there has been a call to love myself more deeply than I could comprehend. However, sometimes I get frustrated. Why! Why me? Why do I have to do this all alone? Haven’t I already done this before? One would say, no, not well enough. And since change is our only constant in our life, loving oneself is purely a journey than a simple destination.
When I make change my constant state, I avoid normalcy. Consistency allows the extraordinary to unearth. I do believe I am special. I do know I am extraordinary, but like with a seed – if you uproot a seed and repot it over and over and over and over and over…you are not allowing this seedling the full chance to blossom. The seed may never bloom, and you could nod and say, “yes, it’s a broken seed. It don’t work like the others.” What this seed needs is daily, dedicated attention. This seed needs light, care and knowledge that nourishment would be provided every day. Only then will the seed grow.
What I need is to provide this disciplined dedication to myself. I cannot say what makes me happy when I look around and realize only blood has stuck around. It is an odd feeling when bloomaled has betrayed, but stays till the end of the days. These family roles are not how I intend to honor myself, uphold my legacy, make my children proud. It is a touch call to move forward. I feel I have moved forward in many directions only to start over in another direction. This has my skills undeveloped. Although I am talented, I lack the expertise that comes with experience.
What do I want out of this life?
I want to be appreciated. I want to be loved and give love. I want to travel, experience new things. I want to be challenged. I want to learn – from my friends, from my partner, from my children. So if this is the life I want and here I sit alone again, how do I get there? These things are not tangible like a stamped paper. It seems my fulfillment is invested in others that are not myself, in imagination.
Perhaps this whole existence is malleable, some constructed imagination, so it would not be too difficult to align with this timeline. I feel quite tired. I am not sure where to invest my time/energy if I only will start over again tomorrow or 5 months from now or next year. Why am I running?
Affirmation: No matter what I do, I align with the abundance the universe provides. I am always in the right place at the right time. I appreciate those who have left my life and I thank you for your lessons.